There are now no Republicans in the House of Representatives further northeast of West Virginia.
Abraham Lincoln’s Republican party’s destruction has come full circle. The opposing party has ironically claimed much of the initial Republican platform.
Fox News now officially represents an ever-shrinking anachronistic minority.
More than 10% of the United States have decriminalized marijuana.
South Park declares the entire election a conspiracy to steal the Hope Diamond.
There have not been young children residents in the White House for over 40 years (and probably no puppies). There have never been children residents of visible African descent.
We did it. We might have a second chance at being the future again. Actual (positive) history managed to happen right before our eyes. With el negro presidente, we actually qualify to be the United States depicted in comic books and science fiction. This is our legacy.
There’s much too much for mostly everyone to absorb. What a crazy year and then some. Tonight a crowd in Chicago amassed that was larger than the previous largest Chicago crowd I’ve ever witnessed. That previous crowd protested a wrongful war. Tonight’s crowd celebrated that very same war’s inevitable end, as the tip of an iceberg of progress.
New generations will never understand things we barely understood. They will be bewildered at our dark age of civil wrongs. The era will retire in history books, and be rarely read by future generations. Eventually, we will have completely moved on, and transformed once again into an ever more close-to-perfect union. We the people can continue our history of being the greatest experiment in rebellion the world has ever witnessed, with true freedom and equality as our standards of modern manifest destiny.
Or, if you believe the complete dipshits on television, the size of the government will double in the next six months, immediately after the minimum wage doubles. The politics of horseshit is dying. It has lost an information war of attrition. Modern young people see through old tricks, and armed with a level of apathy-turned-cynicism that could only be brought about by our last decade, they have no interest in a governing construct that serves nothing but itself. People understand that the government is theirs, and that they pay for it. They realize now that a political campaign can be honorable. We know the high road is virtuous.
As with every major political shift, there will be cultural changes. Rigid, stubborn ideas of old will fade and become even more obsolete than they were in the fucking 1990s. New waves of popular culture will happen as a result of today’s historic event. The internet will transmogrify old media by smashing it through the spaghetti factory. With a government that understands and embraces newer technology, we are on the verge of things we literally cannot imagine because they have never been experienced. This is our history, and this is our future.
We are overlooking a very bright horizon. It is blinding in one sense, and yet in another blindingly inspiring. All of the talk over the years of being unable to beat a broken system and being unable to overcome tightly held power is at an apparent impasse. We have shown ourselves and the world that we understand the condition our condition is in, and we’re ready to act upon it.
Imagine 60,000,000 Americans with elephant guns. Bill Hicks be avenged.
You can decide something this November. You will decide something this November. You will determine in a voting booth something that is more important than I could express in common internet folk-speak. This is a very crucial moment.
Rarely do Americans really get a chance to make a difference. Rarely do we have a time in history when Rome is so on fire that even the firemen can’t go in to save it because they don’t have health insurance. You can help save a fireman and change the world. This year you have a voice, and an important choice.
Previously, people didn’t listen to me. Look what has happened. Our financial markets are in ruin while a profiteer’s war rages on. Millions go without the basic tenets intended to make life in the United States fair and balanced. This is serious. It is up to you to save the world, country, and more. Don’t let me down again. We can do it together.
This November, if Barack Obama is elected to be president, I will redesign this website.
Seriously. Save that fireman.
(It should be noted that the last presidential election killed this website.)
This election is about serious issues. Seriously, it’s so fucking serious that I am letting myself put videos of two different sizes here at the same time. This is atrociously serious.
It’s time to get serious.
Oh, and we can’t forget Bill Clinton’s endorsement of Barack Obama:
Tomorrow could be one of the biggest days in what will be our generation’s history. I talk about it too much already, so I promised I would keep this one brief (I lied). Also please don’t assume I’m jumping on some sort of endorsement bandwagon here, as I totally don’t care about endorsements outside of entertainment and I think it’s important for everyone to talk about this crap with everyone.
It is important that everyone makes time and goes to their polling place and sticks four fingers into the system that has been fucking up their lives for the past few years. The only way to beat this system is to use it; this is a basic fact of American civics.
I want to also note that it is particularly important for anyone under 25 to get the hell off of their lazy asses and just go to their polling places tomorrow and vote. Look up where it is, stop whining about it, and go do it. If you are an older person that cares about the horrors of government and interact with the 18-25s regularly, inspire them. Make it happen.
As for me, I will be representing my home state and the man whose birthday I stole next week (who understood the concept of inspiration as catalyst) by voting for the guy that announced his candidacy in the same place as some of the most eloquently backhanded speeches ever have been delivered.
I have been talking about this quite a lot over there on the twitter, but it’s not about buzzword bingo or hot shit trends or bandwagon bumblefuck. This is about reform that will relieve the poor of the rich’s burden (without empty leftist rhetoric promises). It is about technology not scaring off the elderly Washington geriatrics. It is about SERIOUSLY TECHNOLOGY IT’S THE FUTURE. It is about taking our country back from companies and stockholders by using it against itself. It is about diversity and proving to Negative Nancies™ that our country really has come this far.
I am a skeptic leaning far into the realm of cynicism. That cynicism is a result of the past seven years, and I don’t consider it permanent. I looked into this guy and the whole behind the scenes mess, and I said fuck libertarianism for a couple years if this will actually improve life. I genuinely think it will, and that is after excessive cynical review. I am much more surprised than I am proud to report that the state of Georgia agrees.
It is time to move on and up. This rutwalking can finally end with thinking positive, and I say that with the most respectably desperate tone possible. I already voted for this guy in Illinois, watched what he did after that, and now I’m going to vote for him again. Thank you for listening.
So this crazy shit about what day is the most depressing of the year. There’s this theory about “blue Monday” which is basically:
…calculated by Dr. Cliff Arnall…and has been quoted in the popular press, although there is little if any scientific basis to his methods…”the fact is that Cliff Arnall’s equations are stupid, and some fail even to make mathematical sense on their own terms.” The date was calculated by using many factors…weather conditions, debt level, time since Christmas, time since failing our new year’s resolutions, low motivational levels and feeling of a need to take action…typically falls on the Monday of the last full week of January. This would make 21 January the Blue Monday of 2008.
Aside from the fact that Arnall’s theory has been discounted by many in the academic community, I’ve got a better way of finding the true nadir of depression: Look to our search behavior. If we think we’re suffering from a real bout of the blues or a mental crisis, we’re likely to Google the symptoms. In fact, online searches for “depression” are among the most popular searches sending traffic to the 5,900 sites that we track, but the peak is not in January. According to our Internet behavior, our depression spikes reliably in mid-November every year, right in time for Thanksgiving, the launch of the holiday season.
That’s true too! Holy shit!
Or maybe we’re just all crazy. I know I am blessed with my own manstrual cycle that tortures me every four weeks. Serious.
The doctor guy says the best day of the year is in the 24ish part of June also.
Tonight, many people in Georgia snow the biggest snow they have ever seen. Some saw it for the first time, and some were merely amused by how ridiculously retarded everyone gets when something falls from the sky.
Seriously. The roads become much like a pinball machine. Everyone talks about how they next day is already a snow day even though an inch hasn’t stuck and it’s going to stop soon. They talk about being trapped at work and having to sleep there.
It’s hilarious. Oh and certainly a bit more in a few hours than we’ve gotten the past two years.
Of course it was shitty frozen rain by the time I left, but that doesn’t matter.
After the rhetorical nightmare that has been the last seven years of ill-delivered mushmouth lies, can we elect someone that can hire speech writers or even deliver the speeches they write?
Obama says yes.
This election is great. The internets has turned it into a goddamned jungle gym of interesting things where previously only stood boring cardboard cutouts made of recycled newspaper from the 1950s. They report shit like sports on tv, and there’s hell of pornographic levels of numbers for statistics fags like me that love to plow into a watershed of bubbly phantom bits of information.
