There are so many CDs that I haven't listened to in years because they are directly connected to me via emotional trauma, or emotional ecstacy that such music would make me miss to the point of crying. These endless rows of CDs stare at me, taunting me in my self-restriction.

I wonder if I can get over this and reclaim my favorites. Some of the casualties:

• Nirvana (surprise surprise)
• REM (much too much)
• the eels (euphoric catharsis)
• nine inch nails (somehow)
• Underworld (can get deep)
• Grateful Dead (haha)
• Depeche Mode (reach out and touch space)
• MU330 (seriously)
• Smashing Pumpkins (always there)
• Cake (Imiss my car)
• Marilyn Manson (red strobes and fire)
• Blind Melon (kazoos)
• Metallica (for real)
• Cranberries (shut up)
• Radiohead (everyone should list this)
• Porno for Pyros (bet you weren't expecting that)
• Tool (it's a stretch)

There are literally piles of CDs that I always almost play. I know it's like this for everyone, but does everyone linger on it as long as I have with some? I'm sure everyone can get over it. And I won't fuck around either; I can come to terms that most of the stuff is directly related to Cat, as she monopolized a lot of my time for about 5 years. Mac also takes up a lot of the list, but I won't get into that right now.

What makes it even weirder is some things I listen to, despite the trigger, and I will even listen to these things somewhat frequently. Included in those are Nirvana (it's like blood for me, must flow), MU330, Metallica, I had a Blind Melon explosion this winter, Tool is always on, I go on Marilyn Manson binges, Underworld is necessity, etc. I don't understand it half the time.

It does get more specific than just CDs though. Maybe that's why I can listen to Everything Everything (live Underworld), but still have problems with Second Toughest in the Infants. That's why I can listen to any release by Nirvana, but some of the unreleased songs get a little touchy. All tool except parts of Opiate are no problem. So I guess it comes down to songs.

What connects a song to a situation? For me it seems most just perchanced to happen in the background, though many are dripping with ritual as well. The biggest example of thick ritual would be Mac (smart kid summer camp kind of), where we played songs to celebrate the traditions of being there, even long after our last year. I still have flashbacks when I hear MU330's "Stuff," for example; images of Schmoker's living room and Dixon in general appear right behind the corneas. "Stinkfist" from Tool still puts me back in my car, driving to the mall, that fateful day in 1996. "Cursed Female" and "Cursed Male" from Porno for Pyros put me back on Mulberry Street, walking to the health food store with my discman, on that hot-ass summer day.

Even "Medium Pace" from Adam Sandler strikes a nostalgic chord.

It's just me. I linger. The past always seems like the best that's happened, so I focus on it...attempting to find the center much too late. I can't relive it, so I avoid it. In either case, what is the key to relieving this evasion? I must be afraid of a catharsis I am not prepared for. I need to grasp the songs for their value as reminders, as opposed to avoid out of fear of...not getting back that moment or multiple years. I have to re-attain the feelings felt while the song took its position, not dodge the song altogether.

Music is something special. It makes things, changes things, attaches to things; it can mutate so much...

Opinions, comments, and general feedback are welcome. I'd love to hear what connects you to your inner past. Send some email and tell me about it.